9 years

9 years. That's how long I've been married today. Yup....9 years. What do I have to show for it? Interesting question. I could be bitter and say nothing. But in reality, that's not true. I may have a lousy, non existent marriage. To say the least, we aren't divorced, but we surely aren't "happily married" as the term goes. But, I do have lots to show for the last 9 years of my life. The two most important being my children---my beautiful, energetic, grab-life-by-the horns children. =) And then there is all the wealth of stuff I've learned. Ahh, yes, knowledge--some gathered by instruction...some gathered by the school of hard knocks. (I have found that the school of instruction tends to be less painful than the school of hard knocks. ;) ) And so begins what I thought I would write about .....what I have learned over the last 9 years or so.
*Life can be easy and it can be hard....it's what you do with it that counts. Not what life does to you.
*children will copy what they see modeled...the good and the bad. (Joshua learned to yell when frustrated before...(thanks to his mommy) but has since learned in the last year that we breathe when we begin to feel frustrated instead of yelling) (both have learned that Jesus is always with us...whew some good modeling and not so good)
*the day you get married is one of the happiest days of your life and you truly think that marriage is something you can handle for all the rest of your life....until life happens, the honeymoon wears off, and the man you married turns out to be so not what you thought you married. And you think "What have I done??" then, then...you find out what kind of person you really are because of how you choose to handle it. this is not such an easy lesson (i.e. lesson of the school of hard knocks.)
*Life is full of changes...literally. You get married...change. You adjust to that (hopefully) and you have a kid....change. You finally get a handle on those and then you have another kid...more change. You get a handle on those and the kids keep growing which means they keep changing....so more change. So...you can either adapt with life of recoil from life.....you get to choose.
*I've learned that by "not making a choice" and staying "neutral" is by definition making a choice.
*No one in life will take care of you. some may try...but really only you can take care of you. And even at that, we tend to not do a very good job at it.
*The only one in life who is constant, never-changing, always dependable, unwavering in love, and reliable is God. the rest of us are human.
*I've learned that all the things I wish I could do for myself and couldn't do...God does for me. Like overcome my craziness and find peace in the storm. I tried to myself and my world continued to spin out of control. the tighter I held on, the more out of control it went. finally, when I really learned to let go and let God, then peace began to enter my life. who knew that letting go could be so freeing? I finally did.
*People let us down. We let people down. God will never let me down.
*I've learned to not give my sense of value and who I am into the "safe-keeping" of others. It's my responsibility...not theirs. Who I am is not defined by someone else....it's defined by God and who He says I am .....and by the choices I make.
*I've learned that I am beautiful...as vain as that sounds...I'm beautiful and special and valuable....and that is great to know. =)
*I've learned that I can't fix the world or its problems...I need to fix myself. and at times even then I need God's help to do that.
*I've learned that it's okay to ask God to help us fix ourselves.

I've learned a lot. And I can truly say that I am thankful for these lessons. Now maybe it would be nice to learn some lessons in better ways...but still the same...I've learned them. and I will continue to learn and grow....for this is what life is about.

I should add something else. Today is my anniversary. and I find that I am a little sad. but it's not that bad...life that is. I am sad at what was lost, of what I had a long long time ago, but I know that I'm okay and that it will be okay. I hope that makes sense. I know that I have done the best I could, some times I did better than at other times. But I will face forward and I choose to live life on life's terms.

So today is bittersweet. But tomorrow is another day....and that's a good thing.

Good night. God bless.

Life abundantly

Life is pretty good right now. My lil sis Jennifer graduated for Culinary school and her ceremony is this weekend. If there is any party I want to go to...it's that of a Culinary graduate!!! lol mmmmmm, so I am looking forward to that. In fact, my kids and I will actually get a little daycation cause my sister and parents got a hotel room to stay in the night before and invited us to go with them. Joshua has been asking when we were going to go on vacation....so this will be a great opportunity to have a little break for him. What's better than staying at a hotel?? =) On Saturday, we will go to the ceremony and on Sunday...mmmm, we get to eat of the fruits of Jen's labor. ;)

I am loving my new car... we new-to-me car anyway. The kids really enjoy it too. Aaaahhhh, no more funny noises, no more wondering if it was going to croak on me....nope. It's nice. =) I will use it to drive out of town next weekend with my bff Liz when we head to her in-laws cabin again. It will be fun.

My 9th wedding anniversary is coming up on the 28th. (Hence the road trip out of town next weekend). You know, I thought that I would be really bummed and a wreck about the whole thing....but I'm not. I'm definitely sad. But it's not so bad. Del and I were talking last night and he asked me what the next step was. I said my next step was to keep doing what I was doing.....taking care of me and the kids, staying up with my support groups, and hanging on for the ride as God leads the way. As for his next step, well, that was between him and God. He was thoughtful.....we'll see. I told him I wasn't sitting around waiting for him to get his stuff together....but that I was living life as it came. Sometimes I hope things don't work out between us cause he's done so many awful things. And sometimes I hope it does....in the end I have to just leave it all in God's hands. While I do that, well...life goes on!! =)

Still haven't secured a job yet for the fall. Another thing that I choose NOT to panic or fret about. (And when I do begin to panic...I remind myself that I am not panicing). I have applied to more school districts and have a friend who is a principal who said I'm first on her call list...she's in another district as well. It's about 35 min away, but a job is a job when it comes down to it. =) So, that's another thing I choose to let God sort out....I'll apply where I think would be good...and begin to apply to others as August creeps ever nearer!!!

On a happy aunt note....I get to spend time with my niece and nephew this weekend too. Jadyn and Eli...I don't get to see them as often as my niece and nephew Leyena and Noah. Eli is just about 1 month now...well, a little over a month...and I just love to squeeze his newborn little self in my arms.....but not too hard....he IS just a newborn. ;)

Well, that is it for now. Good night and God bless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My new Ride!!

This is my new ride...a 2006 Nissan Pathfinder!! yeah!! I have been searching and shopping for about 3 weeks now. I have had many pitch in to help me shop...from babysitting my kids so that I could go shopping to toting me from dealer to dealer so that I could find one I liked in my price range! Whoo! so thank you....=) It finally paid off.


It has 3rd row seating...which is great so that I can tote my kids as well as nieces and nephews. =) So... I get the mini van but not the mini van!!! as you can see....tan leather seats, the front seats are heated and automatic. =) Even the gas pedal and brake are adjustable---for short legs or long legs. It's great!!!

This is a pic of the dash. it has a 6 disc changer, DVD player in the back for the kids, air controls for the driver and passenger!

This is me next to it in the garage. Good thing is..it fits in the garage! Good thing I am the only one parking in the garage any ways!! =)

And this is me sitting in the driver seat!! I love it! =)

I sold my Neon to Carmax yesterday. It's been giving me trouble for awhile now. they offered $1200, I jumped on it. woo hoo!

so, thought I'd share. =) One more thing, since I have been shopping awhile now, Josh has been with me on a few of the trips. Well, one night he was saying his night time prayers and he asked Jesus to give us a car with a DVD player. aawww...so some of the cars I have looked at did have players but not all. Well, when the deal worked out on this car....i was so excited....cause Jesus answered the prayers of me...but also the prayers of my little boy. =) Simple...but great. aaaahhh, He cares about even the little things. =)

Well, I'm gonna watch a movie with my babies!!!

God bless!

the 4rth of july

We had a great Fourth. We went to my parents and ate and shot off fireworks. it really was a memorable and great day!
Mom enjoyed holding Eli, her newest grandson. He slept most of the time. =)

This is me and Shannon--my twin for those who havent' met her. She is Eli's mommy...doesn't she look great!? Eli is less than a month old.

This is Rebekah and Jadyn, my niece and Shannon's firstborn. They had matching outfits thanks to Aunt Jen.

Here's the whole gang!! My family---in-laws too got together to celebrate the 4rth!

Okay. Sorry this pic is sideways. but these are my nieces and nephew. Look at Bekah holding Leyena's head! lol

I thought this was cute. Josh and Rebekah watching for fireworks.

My sis in law Anna. She is so sweet!! I have lots of fun with her.

The girls were chillaxin while they waited for the fireworks to start. Leyena's face is cute!

Well, I have tons more pics...but it's late.

Love ya!

Life is good, God is great

I often get asked, "So how are you doing? Are things any better?" I have to admit, I really am doing okay. Often, when asked that question, I know that they are referring to my marriage and my husband and all that goes with that. So, I figured I would post about "how I am doing". =)

I really am doing well. I feel independent, not really lonely. I like doing what I want to do, mostly when I want to. Sometimes, I feel REALLY TIRED cause I am taking care of the kids and the house and the bills and working and managing life. But, I'm not alone. When I do feel sad (which is not nearly as much as it used to be....thankfully!), I stop and pray...thanking God for His blessings and for His leading the way. I'm thankful that I feel sane....and peaceful. Now sometimes I get stressed. Who doesn't?? Am I going to have the money I need for the future, amd I going to get a job for the fall, etc etc etc. Again, I have to remind myself, God is in control. He will provide...He always has.
I have learned in this past year that a man does not "complete me". I am made complete in God. Life goes on....whether Fidel wants to go on in life with me or not, (or if I want to go on with him....which I don't at this time and don't know if I will.....not that either of us has asked the other.....lol)

I don't know if it makes sense or not....but it feels good to know that I'm okay. I really am. Not to say that I still can't use prayers!! It's prayers and support that have gotten me to this point. lol =) I rest knowing that life can throw some yucky curve balls but God has got me and the kids in His hands. And that, my dear family and friends, is a GREAT place to be. =)

So, when I pray...I pray God's will and His alone for fidel's life. He belongs to God...let God handle him. And I pray that God's will be done in my life and that I would have the ability and the willingness to follow His lead.

Happy 4rth of July. Independence.....how sweet it is! =)

love ya and God bless!!!

I'm still alive...

Lol. It's been awhile since I posted. I have been working summer school and staying BUSY!! My car broke and so I stayed busy shopping for a new one and working. However, this past week my brother was able to fix my car...and today was the last day of summer school!! whew!! It's been busy. =) I am still going to shop for a new car, but I've got some time.
I will spend the rest of my summer playing with my kids, searching for a job for the fall, and piddling around the house doing small projects.

I will try and post more freqently now. Life should slow down some.

God bless and goodnight!!